My new hobby, fitness, has taken a turn for the worse as I’ve had a major breakdown in the last few weeks.
And it’s not just my body that’s in crisis.
I’ve become a maso-phobe.
The problem is, I’m obsessed with fitness and I think it’s a good thing.
As a masolophist, I think the world has lost its appetite for a more physical and energetic life.
I believe in the benefits of fitness.
But I don’t think I should be in the gym every day.
My first instinct is to do more physical activities.
I do it every morning at my desk and I do them regularly, every day, as a substitute for exercising.
Then I’ll go to the gym and work out.
I’ve found a new obsession.
Every week, I’ll have a session with a client.
It’s a session of intense physical activity, but without any of the distraction and risk.
And I feel like I’m doing something right.
I feel stronger.
I think I’m getting better at something I’ve struggled with for years.
The truth is, my masochism is growing stronger and more acute.
For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been a masolytic, but now I’m on a roller coaster.
I’m feeling good, I feel more confident, but the feeling is fading.
I’ve started to lose some muscle, and I’m still losing weight.
And it’s still going up and up.
But the only thing that’s holding it up is my fear of failure.
My first panic attack was last year.
Last summer, I had a panic attack while riding my bike.
This year, I have a panic attacks every day on average, about once a week.
After my first panic, I was so scared, but I was also so happy, so proud.
Now I have to start thinking, I guess I can’t do it all, but maybe I can do the first few things right.
The reality is that it’s hard to do that, and even harder to do the rest of the things right, because I’m so afraid.
At this point, I would say I have my best days in my life.
But if I could change one thing, it would be that I’m not a masophist. So, I don.